Jn 6:3 Jesus went up on the mountain, and there he sat down with his disciples.[1]

Jesus, we each have our own mountains to climb. You invite us each day to take up our cross, our own special mountaineering gear, and to follow Him. The problem is that many of us attempt to fling down our crosses and run down the mountain to the valley of death, the plain of Armageddon, the distractions of daily life. Just like you shouldn’t text and drive, it’s sometimes difficult to text and carry your cross at the same time. Texting can be a great act of charity, but it, like all other gifts of God, can also be a great temptation, a great distraction, even a great idol.

I am not truly “actively indifferent” to meditating with my computer this morning. Not only am I clinging to this ritual, this habit, but I want to be the one to know where I am going with this meditation…but both of these are all wrong. If You, Holy Spirit, are guiding me, inspiring me, enabling me, then, like Jesus, through You, I am suppose to be being obedient to Your will, Father. To be ob-audiere, listening to, You. Instead of being so wrapped up in me, me, me, I am to hold all things, my laptop, my time, my way, my thoughts, my feelings, my will loosely in my hands, for they are all gifts from You and You designed them to be used for me to praise, reverence and serve You. Forgive me for forgetting you, for ignoring You, for disregarding Your promptings, Your in-spirings, Your breathings. No wonder we do not know how to pray as we ought, [Rom 8:26]. I am so caught up in myself, I can’t pay attention to anything else, lest I disappear and I will not know where to find me. I am told that only when I die to myself, loose myself in You will I truly be free. But I am sooo, sooo, scared. You must pry my desperate fingers from my very being, one painful figure at a time, one “must have,” “must do,” “must be,” one “MUST” at a time until I am free to be with You, in You, through You to the world.

Not only am I not indifferent, I am much more concerned about what “my readers” will think, whether they will “like” it or not, whether they will reassure me that “I am” by their presence, by their reading, by their feedback, than I am in praying as I ought. Indeed, If for this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are the most pitiable people of all, [1Cor 15:19] and I the most desolate of all. O, the hubris. O, Ego! Miserable one that I am! Who will deliver me from this mortal body?[Rom 7:24] this addiction of adulation, this fantasy of fan-dom, this cyclic syndrome of solipsism. Christ will!!! Alleluia!!! Amen!

[1] Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, revised edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C. and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All Rights Reserved. No part of the New American Bible may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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